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    春天,想起海子

    作者: 阮一峰

    日期:2005年3月21日

    上周,我在一篇文章中讀到,海子是3月26日自殺的。我心中一震。從少年起,我就喜歡海子,可還是第一次意識到,他選擇在春天自殺。

    上海的這個冬天異常漫長和陰冷。如今春天來了,我的心中充滿了憧憬和希望。可是,海子偏偏就是選擇在這樣美好的季節自殺。

    我看了看窗外,陽光、藍天、微風中搖曳的樹枝、笑容可掬的女生。一瞬間,我不禁想到了十多年前,第一次讀到海子詩歌時的情景。那是一本現代詩選,里面收錄了海子的《亞洲銅》。它震撼了我,漢語竟可以寫出這樣優美和純凈的現代詩。

    亞洲銅, 亞洲銅
    祖父死在這里, 父親死在這里, 我也會死在這里
    你是唯一的一塊埋人的地方

    亞洲銅, 亞洲銅
    愛懷疑和飛翔的是鳥, 淹沒一切的是海水
    你的主人卻是青草, 住在自己細小的腰上,守住野花的手掌和秘密

    亞洲銅, 亞洲銅
    看見了嗎? 那兩只白鴿子, 它是屈原遺落在沙灘上的白鞋子
    讓我們和河流一起, 穿上它吧

    亞洲銅, 亞洲銅
    擊鼓之后, 我們把在黑暗中跳舞的心臟叫做月亮
    這月亮主要由你構成

    我想,“亞洲銅”象征古老的中國文化,“祖父死在這里, 父親死在這里, 我也會死在這里”。只有海子才能創造出這樣天才的意象。亞洲銅,古老厚重,而且明亮。

    進了大學,我開始郵購《詩探索》雜志。某一期刊登了海子自殺的細節。海子的朋友葦岸這樣寫道:

    “海子24日可能去過火車站買票,25日晨離校去山海關,26日晨5時半在山海關至龍家營之間的鐵道上臥軌。他選了一個火車爬坡的路段。他死得從容,身體完整得分為兩截,眼鏡也完好無損。他有好幾天沒有吃東西,胃里很干凈,只有幾瓣桔子。他帶在身上的遺書簡單寫著,我的死與任何人無關,遺作由駱一禾處理。”

    另一個朋友西川寫道:

    “海子大概是25日早上從政法大學在北京學院路的校址出發去山海關的。那天早上我母親在上班的路上看到了從學院路朝西直門火車站方向低頭疾走的海子。當時我母親騎著自行車;由于急著上班,而且由于她和海子距離較遠,便沒有叫他。

    現在推算起來,如果那真的是海子,那么他中午便應到了山海關。我想任何人,心里難處再大,一經火車顛簸,一看到大自然,胸中郁悶也應化解了。看來海子是抱定了自殺的決心。他大概再山海關溜達了一下午,第二天又在那兒閑逛了一上午,中午開始沿著鐵道朝龍家營方向走。”

    下了短途火車,一個人站在空曠的華北平原上,他還是沒有放棄自殺的決定。春天也不能留住他。

    有一段時間,我閱讀所有可以找到的海子作品。他留下了無數精彩華美的片斷。美而深情,我就能隨口背誦好多。

    有時我孤獨一人坐下
    在五月的麥地 夢想眾兄弟
    ----《五月的麥地》

    別人看見你
    覺得你溫暖,美麗
    我則站在你痛苦質問的中心
    被你灼傷
    ----《麥地與詩人》

    今夜我在德令哈
    夜色籠罩
    今夜我只有美麗的戈壁
    這是雨水中一座荒涼的城
    姐姐,今夜我不關心人類
    我只想你
    ----《日記》

    海子最好的作品,除了上面那首《亞洲銅》,我覺得還有《祖國(或以夢為馬)》。它們是不朽杰作,必然流傳后世。

    我要做遠方的忠誠的兒子
    和物質的短暫情人
    和所有以夢為馬的詩人一樣
    我不得不和烈士和小丑走在同一道路上

    萬人都要將火熄滅 我一人獨將此火高高舉起
    此火為大 開花落英于神圣的祖國
    和所有以夢為馬的詩人一樣
    我籍此火得度一生的茫茫黑夜

    眾神創造物中只有我最易朽
    帶著不可抗拒的死亡的速度
    只有糧食是我的珍愛 我將她緊緊抱住
    抱住她在故鄉生兒育女
    和所有以夢為馬的詩人一樣
    我也愿自己埋葬在四周高高的山上
    守望平靜的家園

    面對大河我無限慚愧
    我年華虛度 空有一身疲倦
    和所有以夢為馬的詩人一樣
    歲月易逝 一滴不剩
    水滴中有一匹馬兒一命歸天

    千年后如若我再生于祖國的河岸
    千年后我再次擁有中國的稻田
    和周天子的雪山 天馬踐踏
    和所有以夢為馬的詩人一樣
    我選擇永恒的事業

    海子是1989年3月26日自殺的,16年過去了。在他死后不久,駱一禾病逝,接著是顧城離世,就連寫回憶文章的葦岸都已經死了5年多了。現在的中國再也找不到這樣的詩人和詩歌了。

    下面這首詩據說是海子最后的作品,寫于1989年3月14日凌晨。

    春天,十個海子全部復活
    在光明的景色中
    嘲笑一個野蠻而悲傷的海子
    你這么長久地沉睡究竟為了什么?
    ----《春天,十個海子》

    春天又來了,當我再次翻開你的詩集的時候,我多想知道,你這么長久地沉睡究竟為了什么?你又何時才會蘇醒,再生于祖國的河岸呢?

    最后生成于 2018-7-9 07:41:55

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