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    A Lonely Drifter Off To See The World

    作者: 阮一峰

    日期:2008年4月24日

    晚上上網的時候,偶然看到一條令人難過的消息。29歲的樊鏵博士(1979-2008,網名ooj),今年4月4日在北京自殺身亡。

    我不認識他,甚至以前都沒有聽說過。從網上的悼念文章中,我推測他的經歷大概是這樣的:

    • 北京大學讀完本科和碩士,
    • 香港中文大學獲得歷史學博士學位,
    • 2006年底回到北京,進入中國社會科學院歷史研究所,
    • 2008年4月4日清明節,在通州的宿舍中自殺,四天后被人發現。

    我不知道他為什么要自殺,但是我覺得理解他。我的年齡就比他大一點,對于文科博士的處境、社科院的待遇和氛圍、國內社會科學研究的現狀、學術界的環境,這些我都非常了解。不是親身待在這個圈子里,真的是很難體會那種挫折感和絕望。就像我給一個朋友的信中所說的,”在中國,文科博士是被詛咒的。“

    樊鏵的博客里有一段英語自述。

    two drifters off to see the world
    there's such a lot of world to see...
    for every lonely and wandering soul,
    there is a lucky star behind the darkness,
    waiting and shining with the freshest hope and warmest aura.

    some day. till then

    然后,他把自己的博客命名為”A lonely drifter off to see the world“。

    我很鐘情于這個標題,不喜歡他的那段自述,盡管后者寫得很美,但是我覺得它太樂觀、太虛假、太言之鑿鑿了,世界并不是那個樣子的。至于”A lonely drifter off to see the world“,就說得平實多了,那是對我們許多人生活在這個世界上的寫照。

    回想起來,我最喜歡的那些文學作品,其實只是這句話的演繹,反反復復就在寫四個字:”美和憂傷“。

    下面是圖尼埃的小說《少女與死亡》中的一段話,謹以此紀念樊鏵博士,愿死者安息,愿生者不再傷痛。

    她起初感到胸口疼痛,有一個地方一陣陣像針扎似的,好像她患了潰瘍或者體內受到了損傷一樣。她當真以為自己生了病。后來她明白她身體很好,那是憂傷造成的。

    只要她強烈的想到她的母親,想到她母親的死亡,想到在那冰冷的墓穴底部躺在棺材中的瘦長僵硬的尸體……她的淚水就涌上了眼眶,就禁不住要發出像低聲苦笑那樣的抽噎聲。這時她感到很激動,感到自己已經從天地萬物的包圍中擺脫了出來,從生存的重擔下解脫出來。在短暫的時間里,每日的現實為嘲弄所打擊,被剝奪掉了用來裝飾自己的那種浮夸的重要性,減輕了使小姑娘心情沉重的纏人的重壓。

    接著,她的憂傷消失了,只給她留下了一道創傷。當有人講到死者的時候,或者,在某些夜晚,當她毫無睡意,在黑暗里睜大著眼睛的時候,那道創傷就會使她感到陣陣痛苦。

    以后,日子一天一天地過去。每天都沒有什么兩樣。對她周圍的人,她不難處,不神秘,也不顯得憂郁。誰要是透露說,她在用絕望的毅力,迎著乏味的苦惱,在憂郁而灰色的一片空虛中游泳,那準會叫所有的人都大吃一驚。

    最后生成于 2018-7-9 07:41:58

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